I am by no means pessimistic

I was crying, not because I was upset, but for the things I did not have. It struck me as being selfish. Crying over the fact that I haven't had a decent conversation with my mother in ages, that I didn't have a picture ID to get into project grad, that I didn't have a license, a car, ridiculous materialistic things. All the while I'm sitting in the shower, crying my eyes out, screaming silent screams I don't dare to let be heard, and mouthing words I can't seem to speak.
It hits me. This is all my fault. I can't sit here and place the blame on others. I would love to blame my mother for the fact that I'm seventeen and I can't drive very well and I don't even have a permit. I would like to blame my grandparents for sending me back to such an environment. But then again, this is all my fault. I wrote what I wrote. Had it never been found, had I been a tad bit more careful and taken it with me, had I not ever wrote it to begin with, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be sitting in the shower screaming those silent screams and mouthing words I fear others might hear.
Then once again I am struck by another thought. I'm no longer crying because I'm selfish, I'm crying because I'm envious of those around me who have such supportive parents, and I am letting out all my childish angst. I know so many teachers that seem proud of me, though I might not get the highest grades, they're still impressed by something I've done. I'm even graduating early (in December). But my mother, what does she say? She complains about how I won't walk with my class, go to my senior prom, all these things I've already taken into consideration and don't necessarily want. I wish she would say something along the lines of, "Oh Ashley, I'm so proud of you." That won't happen. I'm not doing what she wants. For the first time in my life I am doing what I WANT.
Now I'm sitting here trying to think of a time when I was happiest, recently. And the only thing that comes to mind is sitting in Matt's car. Matt effin Donaldson. In his car with him, I was happiest. That's so sad. I haven't seen him in months, nor had I thought I wanted to. Its obvious now that I can't. I don't want to go through another failed relationship. I don't want to ruin my, shall we say, vision of him. I'm just fine back where I started. Admiring from afar.

I am Jack's broken heart.